Panic Attacks Are Normal

Its seven minutes past midnight on my first full night at home since I have returned from the Amy Can Flyy headline tour. I feel the same old familiar feelings creeping in as it really starts to set in that I wont be living out of a suitcase anymore, for now at least. I was going to document the detailed events of the last few weeks on the road but once again I feel as if my ability to put events and feelings into texts would not convey my time to a degree in which I could be happy with.



The night before I left for tour I found myself stood at a standstill yet again saying goodbye to someone I care about, for the last few years I have always been frightened of goodbyes, it is a trait in my personality that I am yet to control, I find in many ways it causes me to purposely isolate myself with irrational and insensitive behaviour, I would sometimes destroy every chance of getting close to someone simply for the fear of ever having to bid farewell to perhaps a potentially fruitful relationship that may occur if more time were to pass. All of this aside certain factors in my life as of the last few months have been screaming at me, that for once I don't want to ruin whats good in my life by my letting own self absorbed ignorance get the better of me.

Tour was amazing, I take no reservations in saying how hard me and the rest of my band have worked in the last few years and to play the shows we did was incredible for us.I would like to personally thank everyone who came down to any of the shows or to anyone who was apart of the making the tour happen the way it did. I learnt a lot while I was away, about myself and others in turn. As the winter months really appear be in motion now I can only thank mother nature and the amazing time I had away from for distracting my mind from the ever appearing calamities I seem to face within myself when December roles around. I can also say it sickens me to see the same old crave for attention and lack of compassion by some parties around me, its difficult to see something in black and white right in front of you, even when you've known all along that things have always been that way. I only hope for the sake of some people that those parties claim to hold dear, see the light and get as far away from you as possible.





It is just over a week until Christmas day, I'm left swimming in a cocktail of post tour blues and the growing excitement of seeing that someone I hold close. The last seven years of my life have been building up to the end of this year, now its upon me, I'm frightened yet uncontrollably curious of how things are going to pan out from now.I Hope everyone has a good Christmas.

The Puzzle

Yet again it seems I find myself arriving back home, brought southbound, to what these days seem less and less like home comforts. The last few months I've been chasing down the days until all of my time was occupied my writing and recording, It wasn't going to occupy my time forever however I knew atleast once that was finally done, I had the promise of tour to look forward. For now its all over.I'm back at home , away from the real things that alleviate the going on's I commit my self so passionately to avoiding all the time.



I spent the first five days before we headed out on tour locked up in the studio with the rest of Amy Can Flyy, piecing together the final parts of the demos for our new Ep, We have been working on these songs for what seems like forever and It was definitely a relief to be able to listen back to the closest thing to completed songs that we've heard since we started writing them at the start of the year. I am genuinely so exited to start working on the songs in more depth, drums are tracked now and we will be heading back into the studio to finish the rest of it very soon, look forward to it.


We headed straight from the studio out onto the Ourzone Found Tour for five days of Academy shows up and around the country. The shows really made me appreciate the last few years of Amy Can Flyy and what we have all been through together, they made me realise how important all of the years of playing run down venues to nobody with my friends was, driving hours and hours around the country to sleep in cars and build on what you all love doing more than anything in the world. All the stuff that I learnt from bands that I listented to when I first got into music. You cannot teach that over night and it makes me happy to know my band experienced it all together first hand. The shows were insane for us, It was amazing to meet a load of new people, fans, bands and crew alike, big thanks to everyone involved for making it what it was. Highlight for me, shows aside, was probably re visiting the Falls of Clyde, a world heritage site we found in Scotland two years ago on tour, this place makes us all happy, this much I know.

So I now find myself sat around bored and unsettled in a empty house carrying thoughts and feelings on my back from my travels. I don't know what else to say right now, I am desperate to get away again but for the first time ever, I am so scared at what I may actually accidentally find when I leave home behind.

Some Things Just Dont Wash Out

I feel that this time round I can only blame my absence from writing on the fact that in my own head I had nothing worth writing about, a true yet somewhat un settling fact that has got got me chasing the days down until I can occupy all of my time . In the last month or so it seems that I have been staring change in the face and coming into contact with the inevitable in so many ways. Last weekend the band headed up to Newcastle for the first of two shows that were to occupy our weekend.

The shows were great way for us to step back into the band role again after our small departure from gigging that took place in the earlier summer months. We have just recently confirmed our place on the Ourzone magazine tour at the end of September. My compulsion to get as far away from the norm right now is taking me over in a frenzy of late nights and purposeful social subversion. As a result I think a week of shows to see out the summer should do me the world of good. Below is a video of our time away from the coast.



I'm looking forward to the end of August, Amy Can Flyy have a busy September ahead of us, one that I am in desperate need of throwing myself into head first. It seems that in my own inability to truly address a problem , I'm left with no other option but to deliberate the thoughts I have with myself, over thinking notions that I have been dwelling on for years, almost as if they were fresh to my thought pattern. Looking for conclusions to questions that I know I already have the answers to. As a result of this I'm not quite feeling myself and the usual discrepancies I've always had with myself are taking a bigger shot at me. In short I cannot wait to get back on tour.



Stay tuned for more Amy Can Flyy tour dates.

The Ones That Fall Apart

It seems that I would be revisiting the keyboard sooner than I would of first anticipated when I wrote my last entry on here. I find myself drawn back just to try and gain some sort of grasp of the tyrant of a shit storm brewing in my head right now, it has been some what of a hectic few days.

Last night saw Amy Can Flyy back playing in our hometown for what will be the last time this year, we wanted to raise the bar with this gig for our own personal reasons but it does have to be said that even with a sell out on advance tickets, I was still racked with nerves about the eventual turn out of the evening.I felt like it went down well and was the perfect way for the four of us to run out the last few summer dates the band are doing before we have the long gap of shows before tour in December. I say it alot and I think the people close to me know that I love playing music more than anything in my world and its the shows like that which really remind me why I have always put the band first in so many aspects of my life.




In the last week I have seen many aspects of my life collapse from the inside out, it would seem that so many things that I thought I knew, I don't. Its a strange feeling when you feel like your life is moving at a million miles an hour yet still your going nowhere,your just stuck in one spot watching everything change around you. I find myself stuck with the same old draw backs in my personality, holding a somewhat negative yet content disposition with the things I have done in my life. Ive found myself resenting people I was once very close with simply for the pure fact that too much of my recent life has been occupied with feeling down or agitated as result of there actions and decisions and in addition it now seems that I'm being forced to watch that person destroy themselves in the most painful and idiotic way possible. I find myself locking words with a now insensate stranger, who at one time very recently I cared about and seemed to share a lot with. It seems this despondent refinement in my life is all apart of growing up recently.


I'm heading into the studio with Ben tomorrow to work on the demos for the new record, I need the space for a day to gather my thoughts and accept the fact that I need to stop caring about the people who only care about themselves, no matter how hard it is to watch there own ignorant self absorbed destruction. I don't know what has been the catalyst for me this week,the pinical point that has made me see all the discrepancies in my current lifestyle. Watching the last two years of my life slowly amount to nothing or looking into the eyes of the one thing that over those two years meant everything. Time will only tell.

It Had To Be You

It seems that summer has some what arrived. Ive spent most of my days recently basking in the ever so unpredictable English sunshine, its in that sunshine that I cant help but be reminded of the previous summers of the last few years of my life. I think my close friends have all now become aware that I am someone who struggles to let go of the past and the people from my past that aren't around so much anymore. I am yet to work out whether this mechanism in me is just my unhealthy obsession with never wanting to be complacent, I sometimes feel the fault in me that never lets me settle down is what keeps me going, it's been so much apart of who I am for so many years previous that I'm afraid without that, I will simple stop working. On the other hand It may just be my utter discontent with making myself stable and happy knowing that I threw away the most genuine chance of happiness that Ive had, a few years back. Either way I can't help but miss that first summer I will never have again.




The week just gone saw me and the rest of Amy Can Flyy head up to London to play the Lava TV Launch Party. I can't thank everyone enough who voted for us on the channel and have kept us at number one most requested artist for quite some time. Its literally amazing and we would never of expected the video to get such a good response from everyone when we went to shoot it so thanks very much. We had a bit of time to kill before we were suppose to load in at the show and had been invited by the kind people at Reebok to come into the Reebok Lounge in Shore ditch and hang out before we went to the show. The traffic in central London was at its usual worst so we actually made it a bit late with only half an hour to kill instead. Traffic or no traffic I have to say Sinead from Reebok was awesome and extremely helpful,she also didn't mind that I had left my socks in the van and was about to try on lots of nice shoes, I have to appreciate her big time for that one. I want to be honest about the whole experience and say I never really feel particularly "cool" from being in a band, its not why I have ever done it however getting invited by Reebok to pick out some free shoes is the one time for thirty minutes where I felt close to "cool" I have no doubt I will not feel this for a long time after.We all picked out some lovely shoes and headed over to the venue for load in and sound check.



In short the show was what we expected, we have always been a band that feed off the energy of the kids watching us so its difficult to re adjust sometimes when your in a different situation to that. After we had played we all utilised the wonders of the open bar and proceeded in having a good time. I got to see my friend Alex which was ace, she moved back to London after doing university in Bournemouth for a bit so the rare chance I get to see her is always pleasant and leaves me with a smile on my face. This week has been an eye opener, I get dragged down by people who don't matter to easily, some apparent friends have exposed the real them this week and knowing the truth and actual intentions behind the pretentious verbal vomit that they spew half the time has done me good. I'm really exited for the week to come, Local show this Thursday is going to be mad. Stay tuned.

The Weakends

It seems this week that I'm allowing myself to take a step back from the basic worries that always rest so intently on my mind. I have next absolutely zero money to my name yet continue to go out and make the most of the moments I can for the sake of it, such moments included a trip to London on election night, fun was had by all but I am undecided as to whether this lifestyle change is doing me any good yet. The weekend past saw me and the rest of Amy Can Flyy head into the studio for two days of demoing potential new songs and rehearsing for our summer UK dates.In all honesty I was looking forward to spending some time back in our quiet country retreat for the sake of some time away to finally separate myself from the negativity's that had been gripping my thoughts a week previously. The weekend was productive on the whole but ending in some serious reality checks it certainly gave us some goals to aim for in the next few months.





I can safely say I have never been able to convey my thoughts and feelings very well, for the last 6 years I have lacked the power to talk comfortably about how I'm feeling or discuss anything personal without freaking out over the minor discrepancy's that run so freely through my thought pattern.Failing that I will cut myself short as a result of me feeling like a self indulgent weirdo who's problems don't register in the grand scheme of things. Ive always tried to distance myself from those sentiments and in time Ive managed to subtly intergrate them into apart of my every day routine without even realising, until recently. Ive also realised its amazing how much seeing yourself in someone else can effect you and on the other hand show me that I shouldn't be handing out advice that I am so in need of yet so incapable of taking myself. The problem I'm facing right now is that I'm battling against a whole multitude of reasons and insecurities that are simply telling me to forget about the thoughts I'm having, and I'm sure I probably will. I just wish I wouldn't deny myself the courage to face the possibilities of a negative response just for once as I don't think my reflection has ever looked so good.

Do You Feel Better Yet?

In my last post It was abundantly obvious that my commitment to this blog had been slacking, as a result I promised to post more and try and keep a more up to date record of the shocking events that tie together to create my life, this in its very essence is me keeping that promise. Its been a odd week, I'm currently on a health kick, trying to lose a few pounds and tone up my alcohol batted body, I'm really committed this time round and with the help of scenic bike rides across Bournemouth sea front with Fuzz and my new found love for chicken salad I'm starting to see small results, so fingers crossed I can keep it up.



I cant say Ive done much this week of any real relevance, needless to say Ive think Ive discovered a lot about myself, tonight especially. I find I put myself into situations for the sake of it, I convince myself for a small amount of time that I am totally dependant on something or someone to function, when in actual fact, I'm happier and way more separated from drama when I'm on my own. Ive let certain people convince me that I'm that bad guy in those old black and white movies twisting his moustache menacingly while the metaphorical train that is my apparent persona comes hurtling towards the trapped damsel in distress while I just sit back and laugh. The truth of is, most of the time its the "damsel" herself that's the underlining issue, sometimes realising that you've been stuck in a low budget black and white movie for the last year and a half is the pinnacle point that ushers you not to feel guilty for no reason anymore. Needless to say after a brief freak out tonight, I'm looking forward to seeing my life in colour from now on.

I don't really have much more to say for now, going to keep it short and sweet. Heading into the studio all weekend with the guys to write and rehearse, a nice bit of musical male bonding should be delightful way to start the month of May I think. Watch this space.

Where I Want To Be

It has been months and months since I last wrote a blog. I was thinking about going back and hitting all of the ones I should of wrote hard however due to my less than perfect memory I wouldn't want to get any of the past ventures incorrect in my accounts. In those months Amy Can Flyy have released the video and single for "Letting Go Of The Monster", completed a extensive UK tour and even managed to travel across the ocean to our European fans and still make it back alive.



I have always looked at Amy Can Flyy as a series of experiences, I think its important to take what you get as you get it and enjoy those moments while they are around. Instead of setting out to reach a point where your "going" to be happy, its all about the process to me. Needless to say Europe was one part of the process that I will never forget. Check out the video of our time on the Amy Can Flyy Facebook.



Recently Ive found myself fighting off the same annual freak out that has been apart of my life for the last six years, its a strangely comforting feeling, a reluctant sense of familiarity in my life that I am yet to shake. Its at this randomly selected time of the year that I find myself trying to find my place, working out where I myself exactly fit in within the boundaries of my own life, questioning the logic behind my thought patterns and the consequences of my lifestyle. Its for this reason that I have decided to cut down on alcohol and general disregard for what makes me healthy, since Europe I think I have been in a constant search for an equal high on what was fueling me over there however as sad as it may be, no English beer or croissant will fill that void.

In the last few weeks the band have been getting a fair bit of TV play on Lava, Scuzz, Starz and MTV Rocks as far as I'm aware. Its something incredible for the whole band, I have very nostalgic memory's of being thirteen years of age and watching a Warped Tour feature on Scuzz and knowing that being in a band was exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I guess since that age I haven't really looked back. Also spent a day this week up in the studio recording some demos and writing some new tracks with Ben and Jolyon for the new ep. I have to admit I get riddled with anxiety when we are writing, I think we all just want the new ep to be perfect and the worry that we wont produce something that us personally are happy with 12 months down the line frightens the hell out of me.



In short the band feels great right now, things are going well for us and it is a understatement to say I am exited for the rest of the year and whats to come. I am promising myself to keep more on top of this blog and not let such a mountainous amount of time pass before I let my fingers touch the keys again. One love.