The Ones That Fall Apart

It seems that I would be revisiting the keyboard sooner than I would of first anticipated when I wrote my last entry on here. I find myself drawn back just to try and gain some sort of grasp of the tyrant of a shit storm brewing in my head right now, it has been some what of a hectic few days.

Last night saw Amy Can Flyy back playing in our hometown for what will be the last time this year, we wanted to raise the bar with this gig for our own personal reasons but it does have to be said that even with a sell out on advance tickets, I was still racked with nerves about the eventual turn out of the evening.I felt like it went down well and was the perfect way for the four of us to run out the last few summer dates the band are doing before we have the long gap of shows before tour in December. I say it alot and I think the people close to me know that I love playing music more than anything in my world and its the shows like that which really remind me why I have always put the band first in so many aspects of my life.




In the last week I have seen many aspects of my life collapse from the inside out, it would seem that so many things that I thought I knew, I don't. Its a strange feeling when you feel like your life is moving at a million miles an hour yet still your going nowhere,your just stuck in one spot watching everything change around you. I find myself stuck with the same old draw backs in my personality, holding a somewhat negative yet content disposition with the things I have done in my life. Ive found myself resenting people I was once very close with simply for the pure fact that too much of my recent life has been occupied with feeling down or agitated as result of there actions and decisions and in addition it now seems that I'm being forced to watch that person destroy themselves in the most painful and idiotic way possible. I find myself locking words with a now insensate stranger, who at one time very recently I cared about and seemed to share a lot with. It seems this despondent refinement in my life is all apart of growing up recently.


I'm heading into the studio with Ben tomorrow to work on the demos for the new record, I need the space for a day to gather my thoughts and accept the fact that I need to stop caring about the people who only care about themselves, no matter how hard it is to watch there own ignorant self absorbed destruction. I don't know what has been the catalyst for me this week,the pinical point that has made me see all the discrepancies in my current lifestyle. Watching the last two years of my life slowly amount to nothing or looking into the eyes of the one thing that over those two years meant everything. Time will only tell.

It Had To Be You

It seems that summer has some what arrived. Ive spent most of my days recently basking in the ever so unpredictable English sunshine, its in that sunshine that I cant help but be reminded of the previous summers of the last few years of my life. I think my close friends have all now become aware that I am someone who struggles to let go of the past and the people from my past that aren't around so much anymore. I am yet to work out whether this mechanism in me is just my unhealthy obsession with never wanting to be complacent, I sometimes feel the fault in me that never lets me settle down is what keeps me going, it's been so much apart of who I am for so many years previous that I'm afraid without that, I will simple stop working. On the other hand It may just be my utter discontent with making myself stable and happy knowing that I threw away the most genuine chance of happiness that Ive had, a few years back. Either way I can't help but miss that first summer I will never have again.




The week just gone saw me and the rest of Amy Can Flyy head up to London to play the Lava TV Launch Party. I can't thank everyone enough who voted for us on the channel and have kept us at number one most requested artist for quite some time. Its literally amazing and we would never of expected the video to get such a good response from everyone when we went to shoot it so thanks very much. We had a bit of time to kill before we were suppose to load in at the show and had been invited by the kind people at Reebok to come into the Reebok Lounge in Shore ditch and hang out before we went to the show. The traffic in central London was at its usual worst so we actually made it a bit late with only half an hour to kill instead. Traffic or no traffic I have to say Sinead from Reebok was awesome and extremely helpful,she also didn't mind that I had left my socks in the van and was about to try on lots of nice shoes, I have to appreciate her big time for that one. I want to be honest about the whole experience and say I never really feel particularly "cool" from being in a band, its not why I have ever done it however getting invited by Reebok to pick out some free shoes is the one time for thirty minutes where I felt close to "cool" I have no doubt I will not feel this for a long time after.We all picked out some lovely shoes and headed over to the venue for load in and sound check.



In short the show was what we expected, we have always been a band that feed off the energy of the kids watching us so its difficult to re adjust sometimes when your in a different situation to that. After we had played we all utilised the wonders of the open bar and proceeded in having a good time. I got to see my friend Alex which was ace, she moved back to London after doing university in Bournemouth for a bit so the rare chance I get to see her is always pleasant and leaves me with a smile on my face. This week has been an eye opener, I get dragged down by people who don't matter to easily, some apparent friends have exposed the real them this week and knowing the truth and actual intentions behind the pretentious verbal vomit that they spew half the time has done me good. I'm really exited for the week to come, Local show this Thursday is going to be mad. Stay tuned.

The Weakends

It seems this week that I'm allowing myself to take a step back from the basic worries that always rest so intently on my mind. I have next absolutely zero money to my name yet continue to go out and make the most of the moments I can for the sake of it, such moments included a trip to London on election night, fun was had by all but I am undecided as to whether this lifestyle change is doing me any good yet. The weekend past saw me and the rest of Amy Can Flyy head into the studio for two days of demoing potential new songs and rehearsing for our summer UK dates.In all honesty I was looking forward to spending some time back in our quiet country retreat for the sake of some time away to finally separate myself from the negativity's that had been gripping my thoughts a week previously. The weekend was productive on the whole but ending in some serious reality checks it certainly gave us some goals to aim for in the next few months.





I can safely say I have never been able to convey my thoughts and feelings very well, for the last 6 years I have lacked the power to talk comfortably about how I'm feeling or discuss anything personal without freaking out over the minor discrepancy's that run so freely through my thought pattern.Failing that I will cut myself short as a result of me feeling like a self indulgent weirdo who's problems don't register in the grand scheme of things. Ive always tried to distance myself from those sentiments and in time Ive managed to subtly intergrate them into apart of my every day routine without even realising, until recently. Ive also realised its amazing how much seeing yourself in someone else can effect you and on the other hand show me that I shouldn't be handing out advice that I am so in need of yet so incapable of taking myself. The problem I'm facing right now is that I'm battling against a whole multitude of reasons and insecurities that are simply telling me to forget about the thoughts I'm having, and I'm sure I probably will. I just wish I wouldn't deny myself the courage to face the possibilities of a negative response just for once as I don't think my reflection has ever looked so good.

Do You Feel Better Yet?

In my last post It was abundantly obvious that my commitment to this blog had been slacking, as a result I promised to post more and try and keep a more up to date record of the shocking events that tie together to create my life, this in its very essence is me keeping that promise. Its been a odd week, I'm currently on a health kick, trying to lose a few pounds and tone up my alcohol batted body, I'm really committed this time round and with the help of scenic bike rides across Bournemouth sea front with Fuzz and my new found love for chicken salad I'm starting to see small results, so fingers crossed I can keep it up.



I cant say Ive done much this week of any real relevance, needless to say Ive think Ive discovered a lot about myself, tonight especially. I find I put myself into situations for the sake of it, I convince myself for a small amount of time that I am totally dependant on something or someone to function, when in actual fact, I'm happier and way more separated from drama when I'm on my own. Ive let certain people convince me that I'm that bad guy in those old black and white movies twisting his moustache menacingly while the metaphorical train that is my apparent persona comes hurtling towards the trapped damsel in distress while I just sit back and laugh. The truth of is, most of the time its the "damsel" herself that's the underlining issue, sometimes realising that you've been stuck in a low budget black and white movie for the last year and a half is the pinnacle point that ushers you not to feel guilty for no reason anymore. Needless to say after a brief freak out tonight, I'm looking forward to seeing my life in colour from now on.

I don't really have much more to say for now, going to keep it short and sweet. Heading into the studio all weekend with the guys to write and rehearse, a nice bit of musical male bonding should be delightful way to start the month of May I think. Watch this space.

Where I Want To Be

It has been months and months since I last wrote a blog. I was thinking about going back and hitting all of the ones I should of wrote hard however due to my less than perfect memory I wouldn't want to get any of the past ventures incorrect in my accounts. In those months Amy Can Flyy have released the video and single for "Letting Go Of The Monster", completed a extensive UK tour and even managed to travel across the ocean to our European fans and still make it back alive.



I have always looked at Amy Can Flyy as a series of experiences, I think its important to take what you get as you get it and enjoy those moments while they are around. Instead of setting out to reach a point where your "going" to be happy, its all about the process to me. Needless to say Europe was one part of the process that I will never forget. Check out the video of our time on the Amy Can Flyy Facebook.



Recently Ive found myself fighting off the same annual freak out that has been apart of my life for the last six years, its a strangely comforting feeling, a reluctant sense of familiarity in my life that I am yet to shake. Its at this randomly selected time of the year that I find myself trying to find my place, working out where I myself exactly fit in within the boundaries of my own life, questioning the logic behind my thought patterns and the consequences of my lifestyle. Its for this reason that I have decided to cut down on alcohol and general disregard for what makes me healthy, since Europe I think I have been in a constant search for an equal high on what was fueling me over there however as sad as it may be, no English beer or croissant will fill that void.

In the last few weeks the band have been getting a fair bit of TV play on Lava, Scuzz, Starz and MTV Rocks as far as I'm aware. Its something incredible for the whole band, I have very nostalgic memory's of being thirteen years of age and watching a Warped Tour feature on Scuzz and knowing that being in a band was exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I guess since that age I haven't really looked back. Also spent a day this week up in the studio recording some demos and writing some new tracks with Ben and Jolyon for the new ep. I have to admit I get riddled with anxiety when we are writing, I think we all just want the new ep to be perfect and the worry that we wont produce something that us personally are happy with 12 months down the line frightens the hell out of me.



In short the band feels great right now, things are going well for us and it is a understatement to say I am exited for the rest of the year and whats to come. I am promising myself to keep more on top of this blog and not let such a mountainous amount of time pass before I let my fingers touch the keys again. One love.

Crushd

Every time I start writing a blog, I have a terrible habit of apologising for how long it has been since I wrote my last. This time It would appear to of been literally months since I've let anyone know what I've been up to so once again, apologies. It has been a real manic month or so. Ive been constantly writing for the new record, wrecking my brain writing pages and pages of lyrics until I'm contempt with what I've put down. I find with the new material I'm venting a lot of myself into the content, Its something I admire in my favourite lyricists and something I find impossible to separate myself from. If I write lyrics that don't really have any link to me, I find it difficult to keep them.



On top of this the band and I have been setting ourselves to shoot our first video for "Letting Go of The Monster" We shot it this weekend gone and it really was an incredible experiance. A solid crew of people working from 5am for us. Amongst the make up, the catering, the lighting, the director, the people who make the set and eveyone else involved we were out of our depth. This aside we had an amazing day and are so happy with how the video is looking so far,we cannot thank everyone involved enough for making it so amazing, also cant wait for you guys to see it in 2010. On our page a video update from the shoot, expect more videos from the day soon.



In other news, the band are going to Europe in the new year, if you live in Belgium or Holland check the dates on the page and hopefully we will see you in March. On the Uk side of things we have confirmed dates with Not Advised at the Southampton Joiners for "Taste of Christmas 3" and a show at the Camden Underworld on January 9th. Things are extremly busy with the band right now and Ive never felt more driven and exited for what is to come. Stay tuned for lots more soon, including new tour dates in the new year.

Sea Legs

Ive finally made it to the final installment of the "Boys Boys Boys" tour entries. The final day of the short tour saw us heading back south and ever closer to home. We were in Brighton and our thoughts towards the show were mixed, Amy Can Flyy have never had a good relationship with Brighton and our shows have always seen some sort of unpredicted act of God hinder our performance. Even more so we were playing the Engine Rooms, last time we played this venue on our first tour with Casio kid Fuzz was absent from proceedings as two nights previous he had broken the most part of his foot and then continued to drum on it for two nights after, leaving him some what incapacitated and Stu having to fill in. Throw in a few terrible technical issues and we were probably left with one of our weakest performances to date. We were determined to make up for that night on our second encounter.

Our set rolled round that night and we were exited to see some old friends in the crowd who had made the effort to travel to see us. Our moods some what dampened by the parking ticket we had received about an hour or two before, nevertheless I had good vibes about the show. It wasn't packed but it was a size able crowd of kids who seemed to enjoy it, we did well on merch and got to talk to alot of the kids who had directly came for us, which is always a pleasure. If someone asked me what my favourite part of being in a band was, there is no doubt in my mind that I would say the touring. I love traveling, meeting people, hearing their stories and making memories as we go. Not to mention playing shows every night is probably the best thing ever. I don't resent my home or where I come from at all but I do find that I am happiest when I am travelling and doing what comes with being in the band, however I can find myself gripped by anxiety and homesickness quite alot, a few phone calls home had left me missing, at the time, one of the main reasons I would of been glad to get back home, the main reason I would be willing to cope with those post tour blues. Needless to say my mind was on that person all night which definitely was reflected in my mood.

After far too many drinks at a club night on the beach, we headed back to the van and back to Laurens house for sleep. I spent the night in a reclining chair, one false move and I would be flipped into an upright position while sleeping. This regular occurrence to my drunken sleeping state was one that will not be missed. So officially the tour was over we parted ways with Matt and Drums and finished of the run of dates with our first show in Wales ever, headlining Tjs in Newport. I think the less said about this show the better, it wasn't the greatest way to finish of a good week however I feel its those bad experiences that will only make a band stronger. It was time to go home. I will now try and make my blogs more relevant to what the band are currently up to, as it has taking me far to long to catch up with these tour entries. Keep your eyes here for more tales.